The United States turns 250 this weekend, and the celebration is shaping up to be exactly what you'd expect: expensive, forgettable, and vaguely disappointing. Millions of dollars have been spent on commemorative events across the country, yet the offerings feel hollow. A UFC bout nobody watched. A state fair with a malfunctioning ride. A PragerU Freedom Truck making the rounds. It's the kind of birthday party where someone spends a fortune and everyone leaves feeling they wasted their time.
The problem with American milestone celebrations isn't just the mediocre execution. It's that we're not thinking big enough about what this country actually needs. If you're going to throw a party for a 250-year-old nation, at least make it memorable. At least make it mean something.
Start with the electoral college. This creaky 18th-century contraption has become less a feature of democracy and more a recurring math problem that frustrates voters every four years. Deciphering electoral vote tallies shouldn't require the same brainpower as untangling World Cup group stage tiebreakers. The system produced a president in 2016 who lost the popular vote, and before that, the contested disaster of 2000. If America really wants a gift this weekend, abolishing the electoral college and moving to direct popular vote would be it. Clean. Simple. Fair. Pick your president like a normal country does.
Next, statehood for Puerto Rico. The United States maintains sovereignty over 14 territories, with five inhabited by millions of people. Puerto Rico alone has a distinct culture and language, yet remains stuck in a status that leaves residents without full political power. If Texas can be a state while doing Texas things, why can't Puerto Rico? Add Guam to the deal too. A new flag with additional stars feels appropriate for a country marking a quarter-millennium of existence.
But the real gift would require calling up HBO executives. A proper ninth season of Game of Thrones would unite the country in ways nothing else could. The finale left millions of viewers angry and unsatisfied. Those feelings have never fully healed. Rather than letting the cast scatter to other projects, bring them back. Yes, the production costs would be enormous. Yes, most shows attempt this kind of redemptive sequel and fail spectacularly. But at least it would show America cares enough about the painful memories of its citizens to try fixing them.
What makes these suggestions slightly absurd is precisely the point. The official celebrations for America's 250th are so uninspired that even half-joking alternatives seem more worthwhile. A country at this milestone should be asking harder questions about its future. Instead, it's rolling out prepackaged events that nobody particularly wants to attend.
The disconnect between how much money gets spent and how little enjoyment actually results is the most American thing possible. Expensive, well-intentioned, and ultimately empty. That's not a celebration worth having. That's just another birthday where everyone pretends to have fun before going home early.
Author James Rodriguez: "A quarter-century milestone for any nation demands better than a state fair, and America's 250th deserves an honest reckoning, not just another expensive party nobody asked for."
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